Used, Useful, Useless
Feeling is a hard thing to stomach. When it bears down on you the weight can seem like an eternity. Ambivalence has become a word I have preferred to use in reference to how I have felt in the past, mainly because it has been difficult for me to peg any specific emotion. I can only blame myself for lack of emotional perception and maturity.
When I was younger I stifled what I felt for years. The idea of being a man, or acting tough, was not something I concerned myself with internally as much as existential dread. On the outside I was a belligerent and nihilistic hedonist who sought some sense of pleasure to overwhelm what plagued me throughout the night, and my waking hours. Charades, however well fitting at first, are a damning thing to keep up.
Honesty and truth beg for the light of day as much as they haunt the hours you think you will find rest in. Since my walk with Christ began seven years or so ago I have begun learning a perception I never thought I would have. Patience finds me and keeps me in moments where I would have lost all grasp of it. Understanding is given to me without restraint, and because if it anger is a hard thing to hold onto.
Really, I’m just grateful for the growth I have had in Christ, but I want more. It’s not enough, and it never will be. The desire which has finally begun to be satiated in His being is all consuming, and I know on the flip side of all this that peace that surpasses all understanding will being about a literal and incomparable completion I cannot begin to comprehend.